


The Sun Will Rise and We Will Try Again

by sugawarakoushis



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Homophobic Slurs, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mild Language, Songfic, Suicide Attempt, please, please dont read if you're triggered by these, really sad, twenty one pilots - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-23
Updated: 2015-09-23
Packaged: 2018-04-22 23:55:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4855475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugawarakoushis/pseuds/sugawarakoushis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil accidentally finds Dan’s unfinished suicide note and Phil writes him back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sun Will Rise and We Will Try Again

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings; Suicide, self harm, swearing, homophobia(uncensored f word) also swearing Seriously if you are triggered by any of these please don't read this.

‘Fuck.’ Dan muttered under his breath, crumpling up yet another page from his journal. He ran him hands through his hair, using slight pressure, and let out a sigh. ‘Not even good enough to write your own god damn suicide note, good job Howell.’ he thought to himself, letting out another shaky breath. He flipped the page of his small bound notebook and started again,

 

“Dear friends and family,

i know what I’ve done may come as a shock to you, after all i was pretty famous and i know that my career was just beginning to soar but you must believe, what I’ve done was not done in haste. Nor was it done in rebellion or hatred or to gain attention from any of you. I was simply just unhappy.” 

This too, Dan scrapped, tossing it in the bin. At that moment he heard a soft knock on his bedroom door and the familiar voice of his flatmate. “Dan, did you want to watch the new episode of Attack on Titan with me?” Dan smiled at this, whenever his life went to shit there was Phil, who remained unchanging. Phil, who was his beacon of hope. Phil was all Dan had, and he was grateful for it.

“y-yeah” Dan stuttered, nervous Phil might find out what he’d been doing, “i-I’ll be right out, don’t wait for me” 

“Dear Phil,” he scrawled out, “i”m sorry i left you. i just couldn’t bear the everlasting weight of life and all it came with. I’m sorry.” He slammed the book shut and placed it in the drawer of his bedside table and joining Phil.

Although being with Phil was the only thing Dan could stand ever doing, it too, had its downsides. For example, Phil, whom had never done any physical exercise in his entire life, managed to be beyond thin. Phil, Dan thought, was composed of straight lines and sharp edges, he was tall and thin, with long legs and arms. Everything about him was clear cut and striking. ( x ) While Dan looked down at himself and saw nothing but lumps and rounded edges. “that’s what makes you, Bear.” Phil would always say, combing his fingers through Dan’s hair. “you’re soft and elegant, it’s beautiful, i always wished i looked like you.” Although, Dan never believed him.

Phil was gorgeous, and Dan couldn’t deny how looking at him made him want to kiss every inch of his body, which was another reason why being around Phil was so hard. Dan knew that it was insane to ever think of Phil as anything more than his friend, but he couldn’t help it. Every time he looked to the other man he could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks and the butterflies in the pit of his stomach. He undeniably loved Phil Lester, and that made it harder to leave him. 

After the show,Phil headed off to bed, which left Dan alone, again. He grabbed his Mac from the coffee table and scrolled absentmindedly through his tumblr dash, hitting reblog on a few gifs of Kanye and one picture of a dog. Before he knew it, it was 3 a.m and all that was on his dash was sad black and white gifs and quotes. He rubbed his eyes and yawned, heading off to bed.

That morning he awoke to Phil singing Fall Out Boy from the kitchen at noon. standing up from his bed he stretched and got dressed and ready for the day. wearing his usual black skinny jeans and equally as black shirt, Dan met Phil in the kitchen for breakfast. Phil smiled at the sight of him, “Wow, aren’t you up early.” he nudged at Dan’s shoulder, laughing quietly. Phil was wearing bright green pajama pants, a blue t-shirt, and his glasses. Phil had no idea how much the blue brought out his eyes or how his glasses made his cheekbones stand out. He was saying something that Dan hadn’t picked up and laughing. God, Dan loved his laugh, Phil never laughed fakely, it was always a breathless laugh, his tongue poking out between his teeth and his shoulders shaking lightly. Dan smiled at this and ran a hand through his hair, trying to make it look like he’d been listening. 

“Hey, since you’re already dressed, would you mind running to Tesco for groceries? i kind of ate all your cereal....again.” Phil asked, looking at Dan innocently. Dan nodded and Phil smiled, “there’s a list on the counter of anything we might need and if you can anything else!” 

Just as Dan was about to leave Phil shouted, “Oh! Could you pick up some bowls? i accidentally dropped one this morning and we only have two left.” Dan smiled, “god Phil, you’re such a klutz.” and with that he left.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dan was still out when Phil figured he would tidy up his room a little. “it would be nice if he came home and it was organized, yeah?” Phil thoughtto himself, he really just wanted to do something nice for his friend, who had seemed a bit stressed lately.

Just as Phil was about done cleaning up he noticed a crumpled up bit of paper on the floor near Dan’s bed, he knew he shouldn’t read it but he had to. He unraveled the paper and began to read Dan’s familiar handwriting. 

“Dear Mom, Dad, Adrian, and Phil, 

You four are the only people i wish to share my last words with. I know that this may come as a shock to you but i assure you this was for the best. the last few months of my life have been spent in fear and loneliness and self loathing. This was not your fault, none of this was ever your fault so please don’t think it is. It was for the best that i leave you.

Mom, Dad, i hope that I’ve made you proud, i have tried relentlessly to make sure i was the son you hoped i would turn out to be and I’m sorry i couldn’t be. I love you.

Adrian, I’m sorry i was such a shitty brother, for everything. i hope you realize how great you are. good luck to you throughout uni and i hope you find love. I love you little brother. 

Phil, Oh God, Philip Michael Lester. You were are my best friend. i leave everything to you, everything in my room is yours. You were the most important person in the world to me. and i can’t believe it took me this long to tell you, but i love you. not platonically. not as friends. Phil, i believe you were my soul mate and im sorry to put all this weight on you. i hope you find love and that your career skyrockets. it’s not your fault. i love you.” 

Phil put the letter down, he could feel his heart drop to his feet and his stomach in his throat. He hadn’t even realized what Dan was going through and he had brushed off every attempt Dan had to tell him. He could feel hot tears running down his cheeks at he crumpled up the letter again. 

“what am i going to do.” he sniffled, “i can’t do it without Dan. he’s my best friend.” He wiped his tears on his shirtsleeve and sunk down the side of Dan’s bed, putting his head in his hands. Phil never could even think of a world without Dan and he didn’t want to imagine it. Dan was his best friend, his only friend. He could hear the words ringing out in his mind. I hope you find love. Phil couldn’t believe it, it felt like his heart had been ripped form his chest and there was a gaping hole where it should be. At that very moment, something clicked inside him and he called the very first person he could think of.

“Hello.” Peej answered groggily.

“hi. Yeah. I think I’m in love with Dan Howell.”

Normally, Dan hardly attracted any attention when he went out alone, but it seemed like today was a different story. While walking in London he was recognised by two very sweet teenage girls. One was short and beautiful, with bright red hair and eyes as blue and striking as Phil’s. the other was beautiful too, she was just as tall as Dan with long dirty blonde hair, she had a nice smile and dark brown eyes. Dan hugged them both and they took selfies, they thanked Dan and told him that they thought he was amazing, which made Dan smile. Just as they were walking away a man walked towards him, sneering ever so slightly. “Hey faggot, you know if those girls knew what you were they wouldn’t like you.” Dan remembered the voice, it was one of his roommates’ friends, Mike, from university. He’d tried to hook up with Dan once when he was drunk and Dan politely declined, although he was obviously still angry. He pushed Dan to the ground, seeing the fear in his eyes. “Yeah Howell, I know you remember me faggot.” Mike shouted. He kicked Dan and Dan could feel a sharp pain on his right side. He kicked again, and again, relentlessly. Dan’s cries must have caused a commotion because the two girls that just left were standing by Dan’s side, helping him up.

“Why don’t you fuck off dickwad.” The red haired one shouted, standing infront of Dan protectively. Mike looked confused as he furrowed his brow, making another step towards Dan and the girls. “Are you really going to stick up for this fag?” He yelled, almost putting a hand on her.

“You bet your ass I am, so you better fucking walk away before I make you, twat” She spat back, pushing him away from her. “I’d like to see you try.” He took another step closer. The red haired girl, with no hesitation, swung her fist and connected with Mike’s nose with a sharp crack. He cried out, bringing a hand to his nose, which was already gushing blood.   
“Nice Howell, getting girls to fight your battles, what a pussy. Wait until I tell everyone about you, faggot.” Those were the last words mike said before turning around and walking away quickly.

“Are you okay?” the tall girl asked, he could see genuine worry in her eyes. Dan nodded, he could feel the tears welling behind his eyes. He hugged the girl tightly and whispered, “thank you so much, I genuinely thank you for caring about me.” She smiled and hugged back. “You saved my life, it’s only fair that I do the same for you.”

Phil was laying on the couch, coffee in hand, when he heard the soft click of the lock from the front door. He panicked, knowing that his face would be red and puffy from crying and that Dan would notice it. Usually, Dan would call Phil’s name from the front door whining for him to help put away groceries, but today was different. Dan said nothing, Phil didn’t question it. Both boys were together although they felt dreadfully alone.

Mike’s right, you’re a twat who can’t even protect himself. If Phil found you out, he’s move out and then you’d have nothing. You’re better off dead. Dan thought, Mikes words echoing in his head over and over. Phil was sitting on the couch his fingers nervously tapping against his mug, back turned to Dan, something was bothering him. Dan brushed it off, Phil probably just saw something bad on twitter again. He tried to reassure himself but his hands started tremoring thoughts of Phil finding his note, thoughts of Phil moving out, thoughts of dying. Words he didn’t want to say clogged his throat and shortened every breath. With every waking second this weighed on him, making it almost impossible to breathe. “Ph-Phil, could you get these? Im feeling a little ill, I just need to lie down.” He managed to choke out without sobbing. Phil stirred on the couch and got up, stretching a bit mumbling something Dan didn’t quite catch. He bit his lip to stifle a sob, speed walking to his room and slamming the door. He leaned back against his door, wincing at both the loud sound it made and the ever growing pain in his side. Dan shook it off, not wanting to remember today’s events.

Phil awoke at 3 am to get himself some water from the kitchen. While walking past Dan’s room he noticed the faint melodic tinkle of piano keys and Dan’s rhythmic breathing. He peered inside, seeing Dan slumped over his piano in a mess playing a song Phil recognized as Truce by Twenty one Pilots. Looking deeper he noticed Dan’s eyed were squeezed shut, his breathing was labored, his body tense. Phil knew that Dan couldn’t take much more and Phil knew what he had to do.

When Dan finally awoke from his much needed sleep, he noticed a small slip of paper on his bedside table. Confused, he read the words aloud, “Stay alive, Stay alive for me” Dan shivered, knowing something wasn’t right. You probably wrote it yourself you twat, he said to himself, trying to keep himself calm. He got out of bed and again noticed a small slip of paper wedged between two of his piano keys. “Phil,” he muttered, picking it out from between the two keys. “You don’t have to walk this road alone.” Dan’s heart jumped in his chest and his stomach knotted.

“no no no no no no no,” Dan paced through the bathroom, “Phil can’t know, he’ll leave.” Words spun through his mind like a carousel. He’ll leave you. They’ll all leave you. Dan was a treading water, and suddenly it was like a tidal wave hit him. Drowning, he knew that resisting was useless and trying to tread water was relentless. He pulled his blade box from under the sink and prepared to do the only art he knew how. Dan was self-destructive, and his timer had just run out. Line after fresh line Dan’s once pale skin was stained with scarlet droplets and guilt. He felt the icy cold burn of the fresh new art, it overwhelmed him, soothing pain washing over him like a wave lapping on the shore.

Suddenly, Dan noticed another note, he read this to himself. 

“Dear Daniel Howell,

i know that you are going through something that’s tough and i respect that you want your space but please remember that i am just a few steps away at all times. i noticed the bruises and i wish you would have let me know, i could’ve helped. 

sometimes i worry about you Dan. sometimes you seem cheery and grand and the next minute you get really sad, and it makes me want to cuddle up to you and tell you everything was going to be fine. You are my best friend. My only friend. My soulmate. Yeah..Soulmate. I think i’m in love with you Dan Howell. 

Thank you for your brown eyes which are always filled with wonder and curiosity and bad ideas. Thank you for your brilliant, creative brain that has always inspired me. Thank you for your love for good music and you piano playing talents, listening to you play makes the world a better place. (also you look really pretty when you play. you look focused and elegant and you look full of emotion and it’s really quite beautiful. Thank you for being made of soft edges and curves, you look like an angel without trying. Thank you for coming to me crying at 4 am because you had a bad dream. thank you for laugh and your humor and your backstory and everything that makes you, you. without you there is no me. 

Thank you for saving me with every waking breath. I love you Dan.

-Phil xx”

accidentally, Dan dropped his blade and it clattered to the floor. Shit. Dan’s heart raced, hoping Phil hadn’t heard the sound. But not soon enough. Phil barged in on Dan, salty tears behind his eyes and bleeding wrists. “P-Phil w-wait.” Dan stammered, his head spinning. He looked to Phil and felt a twinge of guilt in his stomach. Phil was crying, his shoulders shaking, his hands tremoring.

He sat down next to Dan hugging him tightly. “Why?” he whispered, his voice cracking slightly. Dan stopped holding his tear and everything in, “Phil, im scared of my own image, scared of my own immaturity, scared I’ll die of uncertainty. Fear might be the death of me. I don’t know what’s inside of me.”

Phil squeezed him tighter, “Please don’t leave me Dan.” Dan could feel Phil shaking slightly against him, tears soaking through his shirt. “I love you Dan.” He sobbed out.

“Even after all of this?” Dan looked to Phil whose eyes had turned into a duller blue. He hated to see Phil like this, it hurt, even more so because he knew he had made the sparkle disappear from his friend’s eyes. “I’m so pathetic, Phil. I’m better off dead.”

Phil wiped away some of his tears with his shirtsleeve and sniffled, “I can’t live without you Dan. Don’t be gone. We can work on this together, I promise.” Dan opened his mouth as to complain against that but Phil shut him up kissing him softly, lightly on the lips. Phil’s lips were soft and smooth against Dan’s chapped lips which he had bitten raw. “We can start with this.” Phil said, gesturing to Dan’s right wrist. He pulled out bandages from one of the drawers in their bathroom and began to clean the blood. Dan winced once at the contact but was grateful for Phil. He couldn’t believe he was almost ready to give this up.

“I’m sorry Phil.” Dan whispered. Phil looked to Dan almost as if he were a wounded puppy.

“it’s okay Dan, you should get some rest.” Phil said, helping Dan into bed and snuggling in next to him. “The sun will rise and we will try again.” He reassured Dan, running his fingers through the sleeping boy’s hair.

“Stay alive, Stay alive for me.”


End file.
